I chose a few days ago to join a challenge dubbed writing 101 and the first thing I have been requested to do Is to unlock the mind.
I let my hand therefore be guided by my wandering mind as I let go and just type.
A few days have come and gone and many things trouble my mind . Things pertaining the heart, things pertaining love, things pertaining life. I have recently become single for the first time in six years and to be honest it’s strange but strangely nice.
For the first time in my life I feel free…free to explore …free to discover myself and free to be me. And I realise many things about myself.
Why for example for the past six years I have never,even once, allowed myself to be alone. Why I would freely step into the first thing that looked promising and with the gauge of putting the upcoming men in a bar and seeing who fancies my weighing scale.
I have realised that I fear …I fear being alone. For reasons that I am as of yet exploring and I have also realised that this had made me stay in something that would choke me for so long simply because it was convenient and it would serve my purposes.
I also realise that I love contact ..crave contact, almost need it. Which is sad because among the reasons why the last relationship lasted but also failed is because of contact.
That relationship had its own issues yes… And one day maybe I shall disclose what was my two years in something I can’t describe…when I am ready for it. But for now let me self analyze and know what it is that ails me.
So I have discovered that yes I do like contact … And I do crave it. But the funny thing is once the person is there they can stay alone in the living room or with the boys for so long as they are just nearby and I am good. Even at home, or where I live with my housemate, for so long as I know she’s there even if she is in her room and I am in my room I am content …we do not have to speak.
The reasons as to that is something I am still searching answers for … Something I am going through the corridors of my past searching for. Something I am flipping the Holy books searching for and I pray that soon; I shall find my answer.
All the same, as life flows, different walks of people come into your life and again I am plagued by my life choices.
You see this time I want something different, I want something lasting and I don’t want to be a half searching for another half ….to make us whole. I want to be whole as I am, as the other whole finds me. I don’t want to be searching or hunting as it were. Unless it be a case of Ruth and the husband…and I am called to do so I will not.
I want something comfortable, something that wherever we be,I am home, whether hungry or full we are still one, still…
Alas my 20mins is up…so I guess here my hand has to stop.