Relationships and Love

Better in time 

Song: Better in time ;Leona Lewis. 

Was watching the above late night. A rather old song but one that still holds true. It gets better in time!  

In the past few years that I have lived , I have watched girls, beautiful beyond measure, struggle with a man because they feel that if they leave they will not get better outside. And therefore they stay in bad relationships, toxic infatuations! Because who will love a lady with a child or ‘we have been together for so many years together I have simply forgotten what it means to go on a date. Or Will anyone else out there look at me in the same way? See that I am worth dating? Loving? The “we are stuck for life” mentality. I have even heard of ‘our parents expect us to get married, we have gone as far as dowry, all our friends are intertwined now, what will they think?’  Will they understand?’ And one reason that is well known but is also said in whispers , ‘what if no one else can satisfy me as good as he does? What will become of me then?

They are valid concerns and I will not hesitate to say that I have shared some of those sentiments but honestly girls in the end it is us. Us hurting! Us in pain! And us who sit and convince ourselves that love grows and they will change and if we are better , do more, give more , they will see what it is we do for them. And years roll by and we get more stressed, and the stress ages us, the pain drains us and the hurt kills us. And we slowly withdraw into ourselves to that place where there is no communication, no hope, no life and yet we continue, trying to smile and force ourselves into someone who does not love us, probably never did, and we die depressed either beaten physically by an abusive boyfriend who years roll by and yet insecurities only rise. Or of neglect, by someone who’s wandering eyes see all but us. 

I should probably say at this point that I speak not of marriage because I believe that a God ordained institution -though hard- works out in the end but even then it requires that it is founded in the right values, expectations and environment. But that for another day. But lady if that man raises his hand on you, don’t you dare sit down and hide behind a charade , married or not , let people judge , they won’t be there when you nurse the wounds or are killed , take your kids and run! Like you have never before. Pray for him yes but when you are away from all that. 

So ladies, non married, in relationships or hoping to head there… Before he puts a ring in your finger sit and consider, have the feelings you thought he once had for you changed? Are you people talking? Are you happy? Are you in a place where you grow and live and love and laugh? Do you love the person or is it pity?  That what will become of them if you leave? Are you there because that’s where you want to be or do you just search for reasons to convince yourself to stay? 

And No I am not saying that it will always be easy in relationships. I may be young but that much I know ! So no I am not saying you run for the wind every time there’s trouble, no. Even daughters disagree with their mothers. I am saying be critical of what makes you stay. I was once told that no one is 100% compatible or perfect, so be careful not to lose your 80% while chasing for 20%! So Is he your 80%? Are you his? Are you compatible? Or are you both clinging to a 20%? Is the fight both ways ? Does he want you as much as you do him? Is it a team? A representation of what you want in your future. Is there doubt anywhere ? That gut feeling that tells you run?

Basically ladies, we all know deep down when something is not right for us. Sometimes it could be that the guy has not even done a thing but we still know we are not in the right place.  I am here today to tell you that it will be hard, it will hurt as hell to say goodbye , it will be hard to walk away and for the first one month or many to live but it gets better in time. And some days , perhaps in the very near future or a bit further we shall look back and thank ourselves for having that courage. 

I took the step and I am genuinely happy. Beaming even. That song, it reminded me of the journey, the questions I had for so long. Yet kept running, shutting down my mind, my inner voice, but the day I listened boy wasn’t I happy! And it turns out that the very friends and family that I thought would be so upset with me for walking away were so happy, so relieved, not because he was a bad person but because they just wanted me happy again. 

It gets better in time 🙂 

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