I have been walking around with guilt for a while now. A long while. Feeling dirty and unworthy as a friend, as a lady, as a Christian, as a person.
I have done many things that I am not proud of in my life. Many many that were it not for the grace and mercy of God I would not sleep at night. Some unforgivable, most would require the Lord Himself for the grace to forgive and move on. And it sickens me.
I am a passionate person and I am an adventurous person. The combination is lethal in any eyes. Positive or negative. And the negative are profound.
Lust is a vice that I have been tried and tested on and failed many times. So many times that I am ashamed to count. To a point that it had become almost normal. Almost okay. But it’s not. And lust for anothers is a crime punishable by law. By the commandments themselves yet…
Foolish I found myself battling with that. I ran away. Thank God. But I could not believe what I had done. Engaging my mind with that of someone taken. And taken by a friend. I am so ashamed of the thoughts I harboured,the texts that went across. Something initially so mindless and so innocent turning into something so vile.
The Lord’s Word stands true and if you ever doubted do take it from me that what happens in darkness will be revealed in the light and months after I had closed that sad chapter, it confronted me. But it’s fine and was sincerely for the best. There’s nothing as bad as looking at a friend and thinking how will I tell you.. what will you think of me?
I could apologize now. And even though I know I may not be forgiven, probably, never fully will be and that I may have very well lost those two friends. People of greatness and people whose impact in my life I can’t even begin to describe, I believe it is well. Or I have to. Choices have consequences and malipo yamo humu humu duniani. (Wages are paid in this world and in this time) I deserve every bad thing that could come my way and again I am so so sorry.
Knowing all that I have done and yet every Sunday, hearing the Words that God loves me. And He wants to use me, purify me, clean me..? It sincerely makes me wonder how! I mean sincerely how does God use such an individual when they are many women out there exemplary in every way. How would God choose to use me? And in what way anyway would He?
I mean its one thing to know you have done wrong but it’s yet another to know so and still know you have to go before a congregation and teach of God’s Word. Discuss Bible Study or lead praise and Worship. You kinda lose the moral authority to. You know?
And that’s a battle from the mind. From the soul and the Spirit itself. I have cried and begged for forgiveness from the Lord every night for so many nights yet I still feel unclean. I feel so … Dirty! Disgusting! Knowing I knowingly hurt my friend, hurt her relationship, his relationship, knowing that is just the beginning of the things I have done over the years, the tip of the iceberg! Yet somehow coming to understand that God still wants me. Me? As His vessel for whatever works. Its almost impossible to imagine.
I opened the Bible today and found myself in Acts 9: 1-23 (the conversion of Saul)
The opening phrase surprised me…that
he (Saul) kept up his violent threats of murder against the followers of the Lord. And had even gone ahead to get permit to arrest people in a land farther from his own to bring them before High priest..no doubt to be killed or worse.
And I marvel that Jesus Himself came to speak to the man. On His way to Damascus. Like He could have sent anyone but He came down Himself appearing before a MURDERER of HIS own people.
Like, I don’t even get it, I can’t begin to. But it’s the ways of the Lord and they are amazing.
And its because of that, that I gain hope. I was the distraction,the bad potato, “the other woman” but there is hope for me yet. I am the murderer of the innocent, the fornicator, the liar and the cheat. I am….well …I can say I was. I was all of that and more. And my guilt, anger against myself and the self pity and the negativity that was flowing within me has drained and limited me for many days. BUT all that negativity and all that guilt does not erase the fact that more importantly I AM HIS. Now and for ever more…And that is what counts. That is all that ever counted.
That I AM is my Father. And He says that whoever comes to Christ is washed and renewed a new. The old has gone and the new has come.
And Just like Paul(Saul) who went to Damascus to arrest followers of Christ and ended up preaching so powerfully that the elders sought now to kill him and he had to escape in a basket, a turn around of the same magnitude is possible for me too.
So Goodbye guilt And I welcome Mercy and Grace in my life. Christ wash me a new and renew and rekindle my Spirit.
I am unworthy Lord but forgive me and make me whole, in heart, in mind, in flesh and in Spirit.
If you can use anything Lord, do use me. And thank you so so much that I can forever find myself in YOU.
Eternally undeserving but kept by God’s Grace and mercy..And awaiting an amazing transformation