2015 #Reflections

It’s been so long since I’ve been here that  I’ve literally had to clear away the cobwebs and my apologies for that. I hope you’ve been well. Happy with yourself ? Your 2015? Excited for 2016?

Well I am. I really am. I really wasn’t to write about 2015 because I really did not want to sound clichè and all resolution-y but more than that I didn’t want to face 2015. To think about perhaps what I failed in or what I succeeded in and look back and be disappointed. But this post…these thoughts have been singing in my head so much all day that I honestly cannot help but write. It’s the whispers of my heart…

So allow me to take you through 2015. My hopes and dreams and failures , succeses, my laughter, my tears, my lessons for that is what all those were…my journey through life.

This last year begun with healing, a lot of healing and one of the longest and most painful break ups I have ever gone through. Never mind that I broke up with him. But it was for the best.  When you love someone till you stop loving them, and you are a walking shell and you cannot remember who you were or what you stand for anymore and you are there just because it’s the norm and you’re afraid then it’s not fair to either of you.

He was not a bad person, not even a mean one, he just wasn’t mine. He will make someone really happy one day and so will I and I hope in years to come that we will sit down and both say it was for the best. 🙂

All the same, I had lost myself and needed to find me. Who I was? What I believed in, Whom I believed in and that journey was nothing short of tough. For the first time I had broken up with someone without a back up plan …which meant I was alone. Well, in retrospect, I wasn’t but at the time it really did feel like I was. I felt rusty, and strange and wild and calm and lost. Just lost. I had people who I thought were friends to support me and that ….some of that was a mistake one that to date still hangs on my neck.. but I learnt to forgive myself. Others were genuine, really genuine and others I thought would be there….but they werent and it hurt.

No, I wasn’t sitting around mopping all day, I have never done that, in my life, for any one. But I wasn’t as strong as I let on and even I didn’t realise it.

In the search for myself, I looked for everything, some good, some terrible but one I’m happy about is that I found books. I engulfed them and read them, lost myself in them and  one that I really really liked and helped me a lot was   You can heal yourself by Louisa.

It was written many many years ago but they still have copies. It helped put things into perspective, to look at myself, like really at myself. And what I saw was not pretty. I rushed to the only person who knew me, like really knew me, my one and only True God.

I prayed a lot. Well, not as much as I used to while in High school but a lot more than I had done in the previous three years of university. I drew near and He drew near.

That’s not to say it was smooth, I slept with two men that I hardly knew, in  both cases  I was heavily intoxicated with alcohol and I hated myself for it but I forgave myself as well and I moved on.

I had people who were friends who behind my back spoke of how I had low self esteem and allow myself to be used and then the people who did so would go and talk trash about me and it hurt, it burned coals but I chose to use it as a learning point and drew my strength from God and I moved on. I wish they had told me to my face though 🙂 all the same it made me reflect on the kind of person that I am, the kind of friend that I am. And I realised well….I had a lot of learning to do and I was well on my journey..

As I write now, I couldn’t be more humble and more happier, where God took He gave and He gave in abundance. Our of chance, or luck but what I believe is God’s perfect timing and His blessings and Grace,  I met someone so amazing, so breathtakingly amazing it really does touch my very soul. He didn’t come in the package I expected, in fact he’d been there all along for years and I just hadn’t realised it. No he was not tall or dark or old or Vin Diesel buff but he was handsome, so very handsome and loving and gentle and funny and Corky and brilliant and just I don’t know! He was and still is just perfect! Like it brings me tears of joy to just think about this blessing.

A true leader, a prayerful man, very prayerful, a man who will go out of his way for his family, his friends, for me. Someone so strong, so very strong, physically, emotionally, Spiritually and not in a choking kind of way, in a sweet gentle guiding-without- sounding- commanding kinda way. And he’s the most hard working man I know and the most romantic and THE craziest🙈🙈🙈🙈 until when he remembers we’re boys and then we start the cycle all over again. 😂

I hardly talk about him, rather write about him,🙈 🙈 but it’s because i feel like he’s my little secret:):) (Shhhh)   He’s my friend, my prayer partner, my dance partner, my  blessing and I’m glad to have him in my life. The time we have spent together with him, if my normal patterns were followed I should be bored by now, I should be off my high, but I’m not and I have learnt that that’s okay too, thats it’s okay to allow myself to love fully, without having back ups and I don’t mind it.

Where old friends weren’t there, new ones walked into my life. God sent. And I didn’t have to struggle, dear Lord, I didn’t even have to fight to fit in…it just happened. I didn’t have to open up about this life story or buy my way in ( what I used to do) because it’s okay to not try that hard, in fact it’s normal. I was talking to a younger girl today, someone I can call my sister and she told me that she likes being liked and she loves knowing that she has many friends because that means she’s not alone, therefore she dedicated a whole year of her life to fitting in, knowing the latest trends and stuff because it made her look cool  and I know what she means, because I have walked that journey but I have learnt in 2015 that it’s okay to be alone and not to fit in. I don’t need everyone to like me, I just need those who love me or like me to do so for who I am and what I stand for and what I believe in. If that means being lonely till the right people come along, until God sends them to me then I’m okay with that. There’s always my God and He’s ever so faithful, there’s my family and there’s always me. And there’s nothing as comfortable as being happy and peaceful with yourself, it’s a beautiful place to be.

My studies, my 2015, was to be my year of distinctions and I worked, I worked hard. And I loved the results. From 40 to 53 to 56, 63 to 78 to 80 it was a steady climb but it was fun. It was amazing to go to the wards at night, to help bring life into this earth to help the babies through their first years of life and it’s been amazing. I want next year to be better, significantly… I want to hold distinctions all through, to give it 200% and not to burn out while at it. And My God is with me all through.

I have learnt so much, that it’s killing me to have to compress, from trusting my God, my parents again, learning how to ask so as to receive and to accept when its genuinely not possible. I have travelled, made so many friends and retained many others.

I started writing seriously too. Fought to keep this blog alive, to bring Jewel to life and write and read as many medical articles as I have. I love writing, it opens up my heart and allows me to feel.  To feel everything, like  that first sun rise light that breaks the dawn, that pierces through and lets the world know that there’s hope coming and that the hardest part is over, that first cock crow which wakes the earth up and whispers to the grass that its okay to let the dew form on its leaves…writing helps me experience all that …feel it reverberate through me, I guess words do to me what music or paintings do to people and I love it!

To each and every one of you who have made my 2015 such an amazing year …thank you. So so much. My family, my close friends, my friends, WordPress community, it really does feel amazing seeing the likes and reading and replying the comments. Some of the bloggers I have found here too are exceptional. Some times I’m not sure if I’m reading a book or a blog post and that’s the best thing yet. Some are so inspirational and some so beautifully honest and poetic its just amazing.

Thank you .

Dear 2016,

I know you are coming soon, in four hours to be precise and I can’t wait to have you home. We’ll have fun together, you and I. We’ll lose ourselves in God you and I, we’ll learn how to embrace Him, to touch His love, His joy, His mercies, His Grace even by the garment and we’ll allow ourselves to do it…won’t we?

We’ll work harder than we ever have before, we’ll do what it takes to grow, to learn, to improve, to know and to help, and we’ll be happy we did.

We’ll laugh harder, hug longer, pray harder and love fully and we will smile with our hearts because we really do mean it.

We’ll appreciate others genuinely, we’ll love them and understand them for what they are and we will connect with the right people to achieve our goals and we will have fun while at it. We’ll have froyos and ice creams and mangoes and mutura. We’ll even have cake if you like it . We’ll throw in some vacays there too because we’ve worked and hard and we can treat ourselves because we deserve it 🙂

We’ll be thankful, so thankful for everything and we’ll find the good out of every situation. We will fail at times but we’ll wake up and we’ll dust ourselves and find what went wrong, correct it and keep moving on and we will SUCCEED.

We’ll eat right, we’ll do pilates and exercise and treat ourselves  those whom we love right.

We will write so much you and I. Or if you mind I’ll write and you’ll read or listen and tell me what you think about it and then we’ll write some more.

We’ll have fun 2016; you don’t even know!  I’m so excited to meet you and can’t wait to share this journey with you.

Welcome home my 2016; my year, my love.

Love

Me💋