Uhm, talk about a risky affair, putting down in black and white, the real unmasked truth about my walk with God…Where does one even start?
Well, for one, I will acknowledge the fact that I am the most sinful person there ever lived, tbh, I have done so much that I normally stop and wonder why this God of mine just never leaves. Like He just doesn’t.
I am also the most sexual being i know, honestly, I am. Long before I ever had sex when my mind and body were still virgins, I knew I loved sex. I would oft declare to my friends that my husband best be able to keep up because there would be no stopping me. I would often pray that Lord halts from coming until I was married and had children before His second coming, I just could not fathom waiting all that while then dying without tasting the fruits. Even as young as class 6 I remember praying for twins but more than that a teacher had told us about how some women are frigid and I had prayed earnestly for many years that that wouldn’t be me.
I don’t know where my obsession (if I may call it that) came from. Perhaps due to the fact that from a tender age I was heavily exposed to sex. At 5 years we had an older neighbor who enjoyed teaching us young ones about the joys of such. We did not know what “such’ was at the time but I do remember mum caught me with my pants down and a guy behind me, (or was I on top? ) can’t recall, during one of the games. She beat me up so good, I held out on such till I was done with school many many years later lol, the message had been passed, that was wrong! LOL
We also had a house help who disregarding the many despicable things she did to me when I was growing up, delighted in showing me in particular what the boyfriend had done to her. She would strip naked and saunter across the room, an image that many years later, I still can’t forget. She would teach me how to touch her and allow me to do so. Again mother nature is kind, and due to other factors she left us, Thank God!!! Then came the next one who was obsessed with pornography and allowed me to watch with her LOL, thankfully she outgrew that and it didn’t catch on much.
All the same years later, my mind had been sexually shaped in so many different ways and suppressing it or healing from such has been no small joke. Which brings me back to why I was writing down all of this, my walk with God.
I have been raised a prayerful person and I love God with all of my heart, I do. It gives me such joy to just walk with Him and to Read His Word and to delight in His Presence and just to be with Him. He saved me when I was still so young, (okay high school young) but I have always been acutely aware of His presence and even younger there was no altar call I did not respond to and some of my fondest memories have been of those in Sunday School with Teacher Tom giving us sweets for questions rightly answered. 🙂
My God has been faithful. I cannot even begin to explain how much, the blessings are to many to not lie prostate and thank God and I have a deep deep need to just please Him and Glorify Him, as my Lord, My Saviour and My Daddy.
Therein, lies my struggle, my greatest, most humiliating struggle, how to marry the two together. See, here’s a girl who loves God with all her heart and Soul and wants nothing but to serve Him and a girl who loves her sex. I know what to do best believe I do. And I have left one too many boyfriends because I could not reconcile the two. I couldn’t live with myself for having any physical contact, even making out cause it felt like sin and I could not live without not wanting to test the horizons. My three closest of friends those who know me do not understand me, they have heard of me complaining when someone is not exciting me appropriately and they have heard of my purity journies. Some last weeks, some last months and then its right straight to square one.
While on such days, I take refuge in the Word and when I fail it breaks my heart, it does, then I pull away from the Word and from God and From Everyone and I feel like an empty shell and then I start drawing closer and then I decide to take the leap again and then fall again. I had married one of my exes in my head just to stop feeling so guilty and together we had actually concluded it and life moved. Imagine having to break that Spiritual tie? Needless to say when we broke up it scarred me for the rest of the world but as I said God is Faithful and He redeemed me from that as well, even when I went down another path(not frequented by many) and thought I had found joy and contentment, He did not leave me alone, slowly drawing me out and holding my hand through it (It’s not drugs lol, you can relax).
Those who follow this blog know I have a boyfriend whom I love so much but I realized something. It’s not about us alone. Its not even about me alone. Its about what God wants, about what is right and about is best for our future, as in heavenly future not just here. I also realized that this is a recurrent issue in my last three relationships and when more than one person has the same issue with you, You are the Problem. It’s my internal conflict and until I choose what path to take it will always recur, you know? It’s not really a choice if you think about it, I mean what can supercede God? NOTHING! But how do I go about it? Is it just a quick I HAVE STOPPED and that is all? that works for many, but I am not sure it is for me, God knows, or is it a slow deliberate journey towards that end?
If I could have it my way, I would be married by now, you know save all this hustle but God knows I have always loved the idea of long term relationships, those ‘we dated for six years before we got married’ (God forbid though, rather may it be sooner, much much sooner hehe) but I also know there is a reason for this heaviness in my heart and this test that we must pass you know?
So here with you I start on a journey, my journey, towards a God-filled dating life. I share this simply because I know I am not the only one, struggling with what to do and choosing between love and lust, knowing well the answer, so all my Christian girls out there, He walks with us.