It’s supposed to be a good thing, its supposed to bring intimacy and its supposed to bring joy and togetherness, well in theory. but it doesn’t. Does it?
It sprouts seeds of rejection, loss of self esteem, continued jealousy, cheating, lying, lies, avoidance and all those nasty things that the Wicked Witch from the West should have. But it was created by God, was it not? and God looked at all things He created and said “it was Good” Did he not?
Then why does it hurt so much? Why are all songs about either wanting sex or regretting it, or being fooled by it. Why so much attention?
Our culture, our culture praises and even glorifies casual sex, the importance of it, the joys of it, every movie, Right from James Bond, has casual sex in it and makes it cool. but it is not. It is the product of a broken heart, calling others to its misery, brewing a broken nation and labeling it ,no strings attached. It’s no longer about love, its no longer about intimacy or a covenant (I doubt that people even remember that it was a covenant, a sign of commitment) its used as an Elastoplast to seal old wounds that will never go away unless taken to Christ for amendment. Since when did two broken cups magically make one whole cup? Its stupidity.
Even among relationships, some maybe not yours, two broken vessels come together and before they are joined before God or even their parents they rush to seal the deal. What results is a harvest of pain culminating around that one issue and because its such a big issue one never sees the other faults, one never gets to grow and its sad, because years later even if you do get married, your footing was wrong and the adrenaline recedes and you suddenly have no idea who is next to you yet you have invested so much.
Back to my question, why does it hurt so much,
Scientifically here is why:
During the act of sex, the brain releases three major hormones, dopamine, (feel good hormone- also released during running and while using drugs of abuse), oxytocin and vasopressin. oxytocin is what is released after labour to reduce the pain an dthere is continued slow release as the mother is breastfeeding which allows bonding between the mother and the child. (Powerful hormone yes? ) During sex, it allows a female to bond with the mate. Vasopressin plays the same role in men.
Dopamine is the reason why sex is addictive as it is. With many jumping from one casual relationship to another, simply to enjoy the high.
“The bonding biochemicals oxytocin and vasopressin are just as powerful as dopamine. Neuroscience shows that these hormones are released with intimate physical contact such as hugging or kissing. McIlhaney and Bush explain: “When two people join physically, powerful neurohormones are released because of the sexual experience, making an impression on the synapses in their brains and hardwiring their bond. When they stay together for life their bonding matures. This is a major factor that keeps them together, providing a desire for intercourse, resulting in offspring, and assuring those offspring of a nurturing two-parent home in which to grow” (ibid.). Although not new knowledge, science confirms the immeasurable value of monogamous sex within marriage.”
Read more about it from here
Now what happens when you keep making scar tissue and then breaking the same scab, the wound rebleeds? over and over and finally you get a huge ugly lifelong scar Right? or if you keep bugging a pimple? the scar never ends right? Same thing, synapses are made and broken so many time and the result is well….heart break and pure raw physical pain in your brain. A “fuck Love ” kind of attitude. BUT it wasn’t love that was the problem in the first place was it?
Just misplaced priorities and rushing into the arms of crushes, having sex with them and finally breaking up because it was not going anywhere in the first place. A case of having meat before learning how to feed on milk.
So what if its not casual sex you ask? I have been dating this person for four years you say and we would have ended up married anyway, you insist. Sex takes the focus away from other things, like Spiritual growth, like sunset walks and hikes and just getting to know each other. Something good suddenly becomes reduced to how soon till we find an empty room, and the first few months its all good until you realize that you lost yourselves along the way.
He is no longer as romantic, she is no longer as sweet, the joy of discovering each other is lost and a steady state of calmness takes over and you realize that you have become all too familiar. While married, this is okay, (I think) because it allows you the security of being together and still raise your family and still be comfortable, but in a relationship of 6 months -1 year honestly? Then you both start acting married, you know? Where have you been and how come this and that every day? And you wonder what changed? Well you indulged in the pleasures of marriage and while marriage as envisioned by God is not at all Boring, Marriage that starts on the wrong footing can be.
Then what if you break up God forbid, or what if he beats you up, or she does something so against your principles, you have been living married for the last 2/3 even 6 years. All that “investment” where do you go to? Whom do you turn to? its almost a divorce no longer a break up or what if God forbid you realize that she/he is your cousin? What do you do?
Ever seen people so wrong for each other, in all ways, still struggling. Or people not even together but only linked to one because they just get them. Or people who broke up but still running to each other? There is no joking with neuro-chemically bound synapses, soul ties and sexual bonding. All those Spirits one carries around! It makes even the worst of things sound tolerable. And why? For what purpose? An hour? A quickie? A one night stand? To stop feeling bad?
Sex in the wrong context hurts, it honestly does, I thank God with all my heart that He is placing it in me to wait, thank God I don’t have to hurt again.