There’s that voice… that voice that tells you something is not right. That voice that insists that something is wrong or is the wrong timing. And for me that voice is strong. Very very strong. To shut that voice down requires conscious effort of both mind and body to turn the other way.
It sucks. Sucks pretty much.
Guilt masked as sadness, anger as despair and thoughts ongoing of really why I chose to look the other way.
Then confusion sets in as my heart and soul were in it. It was precious, beautiful and honestly worth waiting for. Ever been with someone who’s scent alone intoxicates you. Smile, eyes, mind… just amaze you. It’s beautiful. It felt right. Yet it’s not yet it’s time.
So the end result is I’m sad. So sad.
I need strength. All the strength I can master.
Every mistake is a learning point…so for those like me taking this journey..
1. Mistake no 1: Being with that one person that makes your knees literally weak, together in a room alone. The mind wanders… it really does.
2. Mistake no 2. Convincing yourself that you are strong enough.
3. Mistake no 3. Thinking your body has a stop button once the heat and madness begins. Once the hands wander and the eyes and lips lock…. ( I promise there’s no going back…refer to point number 2)
4. Mistake no. 4 Wallowing in the guilt and sadness instead of recollecting, repenting and finding ways of handling it different (together ) the next time.
5. Mistake no. 5 Ignoring it all together thinking it was a one off and doesn’t need to be addressed. ( Man is progressive and the Spirit can get dulled)
With that said… I have realised something. God always provides a way out should you really not want to go down that road. Imagine he does. And not one or two but plenty such that by the time you’re having sex for sure it was almost thought through.
I have also realised that relying on Him is actually better than relying on our own strength. We fail. And that’s human. But God is faithful. He is so faithful to bring His works into completion. He really is. And though yes… my moods and all have sunk..and though I feel like i have failed so much and my spirit despairs. The one song that keeps playing in my head is that
We fall down but we get up…we fall down but we get up.. For a saint is just a sinner who fell down but got up.
So here we go again..