Dear Single, How was your Christmas? Did you stumble upon a mistletoe? or chance upon a Midnight firework-filled-New Year’s Eve? Does it matter? Did it hurt?
Dear Single, do you know what a gift you have? Like what an honestly amazing gift you have in your hands, to be young (or old) and free. Free to grow without inhibition, without obligation, without limitations, well….other than yourself? Do you realise what a solid gift the Lord has placed in your hands??
Do you know that you can start a new course…comfortably without having to check if your dreams align with those of your partner? Without having to consider if the tuition fee will affect the stability of the house and if you will have enough time to attend to your studies and help your children with homework or consider if the new nanny can be trusted enough to be left alone in the house long enough for you to run and do your errands.
Dear Single, do you know you have a gift within you? An amazing gift that is almost crying out and pulsating wanting to just be harnessed and put to good use? Are you aware you were brought into this world for a purpose greater than to work and pay bills and look for money and die…?
Can you imagine what a sad world it would be if our only purpose was to go through the motions? Honestly just moving from kindergaten to primary to high school to college to a job,to marriage, to kids, to a promotion at work, to paying fees for the said children, to retirement, to death. Like ain’t that the most depressing of all realities? And yet many choose to go through life this way. WE all know you have a gift in singing or writing or dancing or even just intellligence or tech. When you were younger you would tear apart a toy and reconstruct it just because and your parents were certain you were the next Tony Stark. BUT now you tear apart boring files and rearrange them because that’s what education has taught you to do. To follow the boss’ orders, mundane as they may be. You were once the most athletic person in your class, now you can’t go up a hill.
But you are busy.
In the midst of all the boredom that’s your job and the day in and outs that promise to half kill the person that you are, you occupy your mind searching for the perfect person, the better half. To tick another thing out of your to do list and to fill the emptiness that you feel. You hold closely the verse that states that “it is not good for a man to be alone” and you remind yourself that two are better than one and you remember all those fairy tales you grew up hearing.
You desire the magical dates, on the car bonnet watching a movie and having popcorns with the stars above you, or the by-the-beach walking dates or that magical dream proposal and you crave the closeness you see in other people, those who seem to have made it, those who laugh and hold hands in the streets and you want that because it is an escape from your sad reality. Surely it must be where you will succeed!! You peruse through instagram, Facebook asking your friends to hook you up with so and so and your profile is on every dating site there is and you are just thirsty, waiting.
Ladies; you never miss a wedding or event because there is the odd chance that you might be spotted. You like every couple picture and awww at every engagement, yet deep inside you cringe wondering when your time will come and asking God if HE somehow forgot that you were busy waiting.
Doesn’t God see how wonderful you have been? You quit smoking, you quit drinking, you are Holier than the Holiest of all Holies in your sphere and in between Praise and worship your hand goes up the highest and your voice honestly, honestly reaches the ceiling. Doesn’t He see that tithe that you give? and if that girl who is “(insert morbid words to mean not better than me)” is engaged then how come you’re not? You have fasted and prayed till you are sure you lost 8 pounds which is good for your figure but somehow it’s still not enough. You have the best of all Skin Products and from MAC to Kylie to Maybelline, and are eagerly waiting for your shipment for the latest new brand. You even went ahead and bought that designer dress that should have wowed them but no!
And you wonder why God is bypassing you? Am I not entitled to this now? Have I not done enough? As if He is some vending machine that you buy marriage by your good deeds and your mundane accomplishments.
And so now you take matters into your own hands; you go to the night clubs because that’s where all Instagram pictures are taken by those who seem to have made it, and you half-don’t-dress because your head has told you that nakedness attracts men. You parade yourself all night and drown all your money in glasses of cocktails because you think they make you look more posh than you actually imagine yourself to be. In your mind you had this backwards notion that someone will come and continue buying the drinks and you get shocked when no one does and it hurts. It hurts so much that someone can so much as sneeze and you will turn and smile provocatively hoping they were desperately trying to find a way to catch your attention.
And Gents, you have done all you know, you got that cash that all girls seem to care about nowadays, you dress well, or at least you hope you do, you have bought gifts, made sure you work out, you are all buffed up. You even took a loan from that job of yours and bought a Car!! You have made sure there’s that place that you can take a lady home to should they agree, and you ensured it’s not too shabby. YET even after that they never agree and those who do, in the morning look so different you wonder what concotions you were on to have dragged them to your house, and you are honestly wondering where this apparent Proverbs 31 women are. You’ve slowly begun hating family meetings. Between your mother asking for grandchildren and your nagging aunts asking December after December when they will see movement and where your potential is…you are just tired. Honestly you don’t know how to respond to them. So you smile and say that time is not yet and tell them to let you breathe and you make yet another mental resolution that this coming year you will settle, or at the very least get a girlfriend.
So imagine if these two Fed up individuals meet… How many of us would give them more than a year together? The two are so tired of their own company and somehow want to share this with someone else. They have no idea how to have fun on their own, have never sat and wrote personal visions or goals and yet they want to merge and make a home. The man has no idea what the Word is and has no relationship with God, the lady sees God as a vending machine or has a I will do good and you bless me kind of relationship with God and yet wants a godly relationship. To hold hands in church and lift hands together because that’s what she sees. The man just wants someone to take home and show he accomplished.
They get married because it was expected of them and they produce the most miserable state of affairs, they cheat because the man does not understand why this woman is always lifting hands in church, spending more time there than at home, while the wife is busy asking God to change this man because he is always out with his boys and listening to his folks. She compares him daily to the television men, her friends husbands, that guy on instagram and she cant seem to understand what he wants with his life, understand his vision or even why he needs some down time alone to think.
It’s no wonder there are so many divorces. There was no understanding of vision and goals and purpose or communication or even Values from the beginning.
I present to you a Singleness problem.
Singleness is a gift. It is a state of complete oneness. It is to be unique, outstanding, WHOLE AND COMPLETE. Completely satisfied in and of yourself. It is a state to be pursued and not to be avoided, and the more single you are the more successful your friendships and relationships will be.
Many people think singleness means loneliness and confuse it with being alone. To be lonely is a FEELING of sadness and ache and a dreadful longing for someone else and companionship, if too deep it can cause one to sink into despair and a constant nagging feeling of why me?
Being alone is a state of actually walking alone, no one with you, no social support system, a state of being without love or being oblivious to love.
Singleness is neither being lonely and IT IS NOT BEING ALONE or being unmarried.
Singleness is a place that God uses to reach us personally. To form a relationship with Him and get lost in Him. It is in singleness that our purpose is revealed. Our passions are kindled. Visions are written, goals are pursued. It is here that love of God is created and nurtured and blossomed. It is also in this wilderness that God creates love of self. A Love that is so deep and self confidence that is so rich because our identity is not from our status, our jobs, or accomplishments, because those change, it is not from what people think of us or choose to define us, No; our precious identity is from God. It is here that He sharpens us and moulds us.
David was in the wilderness herding when he developed his deep love for God, out there bored watching sheep chewing is where he created and played so much music so much so that it brought him to the presence of the king to drive away evil Spirits. It is in the wilderness that he faced bears and lions that a mere philistean giant was no match to him. He knew who he belonged to. It is in the wilderness that Moses tended to sheep and met God. A burning bush that could not be consumed. It is there that he was taught to lead stubborn people taking care of mindless sheep that I suppose would always get lost or just be stubborn. It is while in the wilderness that Elijah was fed by angels. It is in the wilderness that Jacob fought with God and got his blessings. And a change of name. GOD actually sent Abraham to the wilderness..to leave his people and go to a land that he would be shown. It is a season of growth. A season of self discovery. Of finding who you are. In God. As a person. It is a time to know what you represent. And it gives you value! Value!!!! More than you can imagine. Because when you know your worth you cannot accept just anything. When you know your value you can afford to be picky. Because another person is not coming to complete you. You are complete in and by yourself.
And that’s the joy.
That when you are single you can develop yourself. Learn a new skill..increase the ones you have. You can do those things you wanted to do as a child. You can get sucked into your purpose and your purpose will draw the right people towards you. And when you know yourself you know what suits you and what doesn’t. You can sit down and write the kind of visions that you have. You can note down the kind of person that you want the Lord to bless you with.
And then eventually you can date…intentionally. You do not need to give someone audience if they do not match your goals or visions. If they are not pleasing to your eyes or you perceive there’s something off and their personality does not run well with you, then you simply do not need to give them another date.
And if their vision doesn’t seem to converge with yours or align with yours then again there’s no point in wasting their time or yours.
But such requires a deep knowledge of self, of your purpose, of your dreams and visions and goals. Something most people simply don’t have a clue what they are or are scared to give much thought to. And it’s sad.
Self awareness and singleness ensures you guard your heart. For you know it is precious to you and to God. Not just anyone is welcome to meddle. And anyone who comes close is taken through a series of interviews in which you can analyse and see if truly they are worthy of your time. You know you are precious.
Self awareness ensures you choose the right kind of people around you because the circle of friends you choose to keep change volumes in terms of your own perception and they influence you deeply. So you personally hand pick the friends and circle that will influence you for good. And it empowers you to say no to those values that don’t propel you further in life.
Self love means you know how to take care of yourself. You nourish your body. Ensure you have eaten well. Healthy food because you love yourself and want to live long and take care of your beautiful cells. It means you groom yourself because you want the image looking across you to please you. You wear good shoes, quality clothes because you want the best for yourself. You take yourself out, buy yourself dinner, and enjoy it, you pick out new recipes and try them out because you want to tickle your mouth buds. And you ensure you smell good, keep fit and have that amazing body simply because you love yourself enough to keep fit. Self love means you don’t feel pain to travel because you know the value of exposure and relaxation after good work. And you take holidays with friends or alone and just enjoy the spa and wildlife and the beach. It means loving yourself enough to keep abreast with the latest in terms of business and going out of your way to gain knowledge and ensure that your pockets don’t run dry. It means investing in your mind. Reading far and wide because you want to learn and enjoy learning.
Self awareness allows you to know what upsets you in your environment and to find solutions for the problem. And passion drives you to work at it until something is done. Even when someone discourages you the passionate fire that burns within you is so deep that it cannot be quenched. And you plant those trees, clean that beach, write those books, call out those crooks. You solve problems because that is what you do.
Singleness drives you to find God to find purpose and to prosper In your purpose.
And if you Love God,
And you love Yourself,
How much then can you love someone else? How much will you understand when they are busy fulfilling their purpose and respect and support them because you would want the same. How much more would you be someone’s cheerleader and how vibrant will that home Be? With both of you having something to talk about apart from Just you are the only bean in my githeri and without you the sun would not shine and it would darken when you go because you are my oxygen and other such things that people lie about or falsely believe.
A relationship (marriage or otherwise) is a union of two individuals of like minds heading in the same direction who are complete in and of themselves sharing the journey together.
I was once told that if you feel that you SO strongly desire and crave something that it’s almost becoming an obsession and you feel that you can’t live without it and then you receive it, it will consume and destroy you and thus you are not ready for it. (God will not give you something that you can’t handle even the good ones😊😊)
Adam was not aware when he was ready for marriage. He was so consumed in His purpose that God decided that it is not good for THAT man to be alone. And paraded Eve in front of him.
Ps. God does not choose your mate for You, He guides you. He parades them before you but He will not Choose for you. If He did not choose Salvation for you. If you need to accept His dying for you and redemption why would He choose a mate for You?
What stars will align or palms will be read to come take the power of choice from You?
Don’t be fooled.
(…story for another day)
So Dear Single lady or Gent…
Use your time wisely. Grow. Become wiser, prepare, seek purpose and above all seek God and the knowledge of self. Ask Him to reveal to you who He intended you to be. And when you feel ready to go into the next phase -prepare. Prepare your mind and enjoy the process. Relationships are NOT God’s ONLY destination for you. There’s so much to conquer out there. And the helper(lady) or Cultivator (man) is to help you conquer the world and to help In fulfilling your purpose and not to hinder your growth towards it.
Enjoy this time and be single( whole and complete) even in your relationships.