4 days late
6 days late
10 days late..
She watched the days trickle past, not worried, she had been safe, it had been a safe day, whatever those were, she had checked her calendar, jotted everything down in that God forsaken app, the same app that woke her up each morning with “Did you forget to input your period?”
“No bloody genius, the red robot just ain’t here yet.”
Yet she was calm, she was sure it was okay and went on her days without much care. She had been faithful, she had been careful, but more than that, she was ready. Should the Lord have blessed her with the gift of child, she was a ready mother. She knew had a good man by her side, they may not have been rich but between them they could raise their beautiful child in the best way possible, between them he would grow up knowing he was loved, cared for, between them he would have a loving family and suddenly the idea of a baby did not sound too bad.
She tested, positive.
Her cramps had started and they were unbearable, how could it be positive? She could swear she had seen one or two red spots as she went to the loo …so how could it have tested positive?
Nonetheless, she told her person, sure that they would find a way around it, and he listened and for a minute everything was perfect, they would take care of it, and all would be well.
Then Silence. Radio silence.
He must be busy, she promised herself, they had said that they would take care of it. But she feared the worst and found herself daily praying that the Lord would spare her from single parenthood, that if he was not the one that the Lord would take her cup from her and that if He knew that she would raise the child alone, that He intervenes, she prayed for strength, for clarity, for peace and that the constant pains would go away.
She went to the doctor, and smiled all through as for the first time she saw her baby, a blob of white in a sphere of black but she saw him, her beautiful baby and took a picture to show her wonderful person, but the doctor had more to say, the child was bleeding, the placenta was not stable, there was a substantial subchorionic bleed hence her pain… and the likelihood of survival was minimal.
There’s nothing as heart breaking as watching your baby and being told they might die, even if all you see is just a “blob” and the pain cuts through you and punches a hole somewhere so deep. She felt pain in places she did not know exist. She left there devastated, unsure of whether to take supplements or to go to church or to just sit and mop and she called her person…
Yet the pains, the pains would not go away.
She wasn’t sure what hurt more, the constant abdominal pain, or that she had prayed and this seemed like confirmation of a truth she had long known but ignored (that her person was not her person) or the conversation where she realised that they had different definitions of taking care of it, that he was not ready for a child, or the pain of radio silence after that conversation.
She had no one she could trust, no one she could talk to and all she felt was pain, through it all, her eyes were on Him, through it all she tried telling herself it was well. Through it all, she tried to let go and let her soul trust in God but the pain…
And it kept coming every day in pulses, every day increasing and with every wave she would talk to her baby, tell him sorry he was dying, and she cried. She cried every single day, more than the falls of Victoria, more than the rivers she knew, curled up in a ball, she cried. Every night finding strength only in God.
Her heart broke in so many ways, ways she did not even begin to comprehend, her trust in men dwindled as the days passed and friends? How does one share that? When everyone is celebrating marriages, and baby showers were the only celebrations she was attending, how does one share that? When some lack rent and others are newly employed. She found it easier to keep her pain and face it. It would mean less questions anyway and it would save her a lot of shame.
The doctor in her next visit told her it was only clots, her baby was just clots and they would need to …
They would need to…
She couldn’t bear complete the thought.
The pain was devastating, she blamed herself and her prayers …that perhaps if she had not made such a prayer her baby would be fine…if she had not worked too hard…if she had not stressed too much…and she could not come to terms with it, her baby…her baby was gone…
She is not the same, she has learnt to love more fiercely, to guard her heart deeply and she walks away when people talk of death.
She is all those girls who have had to go through a procedure they never thought they would have to face, she is all those girls who have lost their child, she is all those women who had been left alone and have felt abandoned but found that Salvation is in God and not in man, she is all those women who have come to find healing when she thought such a thing never existed. She is the voice of the child who would have loved to see the world but somehow did not. She is the voice of all those women facing grief silently at home not knowing whom to turn to and fearing shunning by society because they went through such an ordeal. She is the one who was once bitten twice shy.
And today she is the one saying that it gets better, that God actually hears, that healing actually occurs, slowly but surely, she is the one who has discovered that there is nothing as beautiful as seeing yourself how God sees you, and understanding that His love supercedes anything you have ever felt, and ever will feel. She has come to understand that He has love of that nature, of that intensity and wants to bless you with so much love and happiness now and even in HOLY MATRIMONY once you learn to love yourself and therefore can love someone else.
She has learnt that it is possible to forgive, wholly and truly and the joy that comes with releasing years of anger for what she felt was unimaginable.
She is the one saying that God finds a way of using that pain for Good and that your mistakes should not define you but He uses them to help another soul whom might just need to know that it gets better.
Don’t give up on love, don’t give up on God but most of all DO NOT give up on yourself. Those whom judge you, have their own crosses, and those who matter, those who love you, will feel your pain and will walk with you through it. They may be shocked at first but they always know that your past does not define you and your present self creates a beautiful future, so don’t be afraid, find help and find GOD.
He loves you and awaits you 🙂
You will heal.