I have fallen in love, so beautifully in love, a love so deep and surreal, a love I never once imagined would be possible.
I’ve fallen in love with the beauty that reflects back when I smile, I have fallen in love with creases at the side of the eyes, the cute tiny dimple that forms every time there’s laughter. I love how I can barely see your eyes when you laugh, that guttural ugly laugh that resonates from somewhere deep that I did not think could exist, and the hands that come up to cover your mouth. I have fallen deeply and madly in love with the spots on your face, that speak of your teenage battle with puberty and its acne, I love your colour, not so dark, not so light, but so beautiful, with your hands soft, your breasts that stand tall like the towers of Babel, I guess when Solomon was describing the bosom, he had you in mind.
I love your tattoos, beautiful, meaningful, that you once considered mistakes, but now are such a part of you. I love your curves, your stretch marks, your cute food belly that ever so often you exercise for and then you lose track and figure you will do it at some point. I love your booty, your firm, toned and well-deserved tushy, you’ve worked so hard to define it, haven’t you love? And you’re not stopping. I love everything there is to you, everything you consider an imperfection, everything you consider perfection, I love it all, and I have never found anyone more beautiful than you.
I love your mind, how you puzzle out things as they come, how you take them apart from anatomy to physiology so that you can understand the pathology. It takes so long for you to get a half-baked explanation because without the Physics of it, it just doesn’t make sense, does it? Without the chemistry of it, there’s no correlation is there? But i love how you have adapted, getting the need to know for most things and puzzling them out as you know them from answers backwards. I love how you argue, from “help me understand what the hell was going on in that mind of yours” so that you can understand from the standpoint of the other person, I wish you would do the same for yourself, remember your thought process and what led you to err. But I can see you working on that 🙂 I love how you take time to think about important matters and then work as if on impulse, and never stop until it is done. I also love how you are spontaneous and just move when it comes to other things.
But most of all, I love your heart. you love with so much heart, so much depth, you forgive no matter what and you are always willing to see the good in others, ALWAYS. You are the most expressive person I know, you speak with your eyes, your hands, what you feel inside just radiates from you and speaks for itself. You go out of your way to make those you love feel loved, cared for, you remember important days, dates, you throw parties and quiet dinners depending on who and you listen for what is important to them and store it in your heart.
I love how you love God, I love how it hurts you not to pray, not to go to church and how ashamed you feel when you fall from your high pedestal and can’t face God. I love how you remember that He created you in the first place, that He sees who you are for what you are and acknowledges what you refuse to surrender to, that you are only human, and as such imperfect. And He knows without Supernatural Help, His Help it is impossible to be all those things you press yourself to achieve. I love that you are starting to allow Him to heal You and even though you love Controlling everything and it destabilizes you to lose the reins, you are learning to let go and let God.
I LOVE YOU JEMIMAH
SO SO MUCH.
And my heart swells to hear that from me to myself.
The courage to face myself knowing my mistakes, the thoughts behind them, and to know the things that I had thought I would have achieved by now and I haven’t. To remember the dreams I had had and to know that I am waaaay below where I had thought I would be, To look at the younger me, my evils and pitfalls and say that despite my imperfections, despite all that I love myself.
To know I am human and allow myself to be just that… human.
To know I have fallen short of the glory of God and know that no amount of works will ever right me with God, but only by His grace am I saved. To allow Him to be GOD and I His child, and to know that I will never be Him and therefore I can not micromanage everything in my life, take the wheel from Him and expect good. I just will never be able to create a beautiful a life as the one He had in mind for me and I just need to trust Him.
To know that I have been guilty of comparison, comparing my old self to my new self, my friends’ lives to that of my own and wondered why I am less than Perfect. And to remember that we are each a part of the Body, each will never have the same path, ( not even spouses start along in the same way and nor are their paths always the same, hence the engineer who married a lawyer and there’s still beauty in that.) and the heart will never be the medulla or the lungs but each work harmoniously to make give this soul of mine such a good time on earth. And to allow myself to be amazing in my own way. To be brave and to live my life and everything will be on its own timing.
And finally to acknowledge that I have gone through a lot of hurt, from my own perceptions, from others, from life and I have learnt to put my walls up so well that I never let anyone in. Never allow myself to feel as deep and therefore I hinder my own growth and the warmth of others. I have believed the lies fed to me throughout my life that in some ways I am not enough, that I am emotionally unavailable, or emotionally too available and either too cold or too warm and forward and both ways it has hurt me and I have chosen to lock them all up somewhere but here and now I allow my heart to heal. I allow the process to start.
And it starts with this: Self-love.
As the process flows, I ask GOD to send my way souls that will aid the process, Souls I will laugh with and who we can walk this path of discovery and love. That of self and that of others, mentors, friends, family whomever they be and I thank Him sincerely for all the ones present in my life already; they are a treasure. And I thank him for the joys I experience every day and that such little things give me such delight.
I thank Him most of all the love and all the warmth I feel right here and now when I think of this person that is myself.
Hope you love yourself too. Were you to write a letter not to your past self, or your future self, but to your present self, I wonder what words you would tell yourself.
Think about it.