I’ve always been better with words than with speech or maths. Always considered myself a writer. But I hit a wall 2 years ago. Couldn’t even journal let alone blog. I had my heart so broken and I couldn’t wrap myself around it or around God.
Yes, I said God.
Writing has always been my way to talk to God. I honestly feel its the best way for me to tell Him all I feel. But after all the prayers, the fasting, the tears and volumes of books in writing. ..I felt He had cheated me. I felt he had led me astray with my thoughts and my focal point of thinking. And it hurt. It hurt more than I could let on. And I walked on with a smile but I was shattered. And I stopped writing. Stopped praying. And when I did it was for others. For the women in pain, for the sick in the pandemic, for my family and friends. And truthfully I dont think I fully went back to where we were with God.
Yet, because He is God, and my Father, He left me evidences of His goodness all over my life. He fulfilled so many of my past prayers. And used me as His vessel for the prayers I made about that. And He gave me divine favour. 2020 was such a blessing, such a blessing for me. In work, in school, I helped and impacted so many, I got married, I was given many accolades and received appreciation globally, won an award, it was such a blessed year.. yet I still couldn’t write. Still couldn’t fully thrust myself in God and tell Him everything I wanted to say or talk to my inner circle fully. I thrust everything I had into work. Into the ministry I had been given. (Wheels for life). And to the celebrations and rites that involved getting married and He gave me divine favour.
So Here we are in 2021.
Today, after feeling disillusioned for a while because usually this would be a season of intense prayer and fasting for me, and I was not there, And being home almost on bed rest for some medical reasons, I stumbled upon the courage to go to God. ((Thank you Pastor Stephen Furtick for allowing God to use you))
I realised that to move forward I needed to let go of the former things, the beautiful past, to grieve Egypt but feel free to let go. I realised that as humans we tend to edit history, to remember things in a way that make it more palatable. And that can keep us confined. That it was keeping me confined. Confined to long for life as I knew it and it was blocking me from seeing the future for what it could be. That 2020 for me in particular was a blessing, but even that needed to be let go. If 2021 was to live. And most importantly that whatever I had gone through, there was another in the fire with me.
I realised I was blocking God.
I was blocking what He wanted to do through me. I was blocking how much He wanted to just hold me and how I myself could have held Him. I was scared of getting hurt again. So I was allowing Him just enough to move with reasonable strength without stretching my faith, without giving Him my whole heart. I had closed off the place that was most special to me to anyone else. God included.
I realised that I needed to make room.
God doesn’t share everything. If He did we wouldn’t start the journey. If He told the Israelites that they would have to cross the red sea, then Jordan and be bitten by snakes..they would have rathered to make Bricks without straws in Egypt. But He is kind. He told them the end game and asked them to trust Him.
Gave them space to build their faith.
I also found out that God doesn’t restore to a former place. But He replaces it and gives better! Much much better.
So here I am.
I don’t want to move without God again. I want to open my heart to Him again. That He may wash my hurt away. I want to know His heart. I enjoy and keep enjoying being in His favour but I long more for His heart. So I want Him to know my heart and He mine in this year. And I want to make room for Him. To fill me. To wow me. To surprise me. To worship with me. To live in me. To use me.
Sorry I walked away Dad.
Help me Get back Dad.
I love you. ❤